I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
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I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.