Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
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I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear