What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
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I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV