Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
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They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor