pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
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The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I’ll be mad as hell!
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call: