HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
You Might Also Like
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.