if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
You Might Also Like
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
what
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.