Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
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Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
these two trucks have the same bed length
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?