My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
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Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
My background check bounced.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.