Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
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I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
The honesty is refreshing
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I have a black belt in leather
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.