the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
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Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Just ordered me some pizza!
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.