You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
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Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
TRAIN’S HERE
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
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Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.