My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
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Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”