I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
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The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
some Old Testament wisdom
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.