My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
You Might Also Like
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Need WebMD
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.