CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
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Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to