I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
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boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.