Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
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Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Self-cleaning conscience
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg