When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Fight
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
All is fair in drunk and war.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls