My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
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*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me: