We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
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Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
True?
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore