It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
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[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work