Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
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*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.