5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
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Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Meow
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Ha
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.