Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
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“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Geez man, take it easy.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*