Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
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VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
mom gave me mine for free
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.