the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
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I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.