Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
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7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Hilarious if literal: arms race
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!