maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
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Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.