you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
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the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
I have a black belt in leather
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Help Wanted
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant