I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
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I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
From Facebook just now…
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.