A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
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When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I identify as an antique shop.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?