bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
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[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??