All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
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Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.