Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
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Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.