nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
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My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
broke down and did it
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.