You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
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BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.