[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
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Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
The biggest mystery of our time
Noah was an idiot.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.