“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
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if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.