“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
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Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
🤣🤣
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
emergency phone
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit