If poetry is dead, then explain this:
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My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
this is uni
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
lol
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.