Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
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Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
mentally somewhere in italy
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away