i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
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Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.