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#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah