When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
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Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
The happy life.. 😊
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.