God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
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👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?