DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
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My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.