The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
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Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
No. He’s not coming out to play
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I am having an out of money experience.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”