[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
You Might Also Like
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook