Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
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*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I WON A HAM TODAY
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.